So I finally have time to put some thoughts together – I'm riding the train back to Chicago after spending the weekend at home. I went home because my brother got a job at Google, and we had a going away party for him. He is moving out to San Jose later this week, which is incredibly strange. He is the typical super-nerd: really smart and motivated, but quite introverted and quiet in social settings. He is the oldest child (26 now), and he has been living at home the last 4 years since graduating college, with a good job (but not Google good!). My mom is basically freaking out, because now that he's moving to California, my sister is married and in Columbus, my other brother is living in Holland, and I'm living in Chicago, the house is basically going to be empty (a huge adjustment). I hope she and my dad handle everything okay, they're good strong Christians but “losing” your kids is probably pretty rough (it's rough on me, I miss them already).
But anyways, back to the thoughts that I said I'd write about like...2 weeks ago (I don't know exactly when, since I can't get online and check when I posted that). They have mostly to do with my lack of motivation to really get involved in a church here in Chicago. I was talking to Rich a while ago about our churches back home, and he said he really had no draw or commitment to that church. I, on the other hand, really care about my church at home. I still love going there, even though things have been rocky lately. A lot of my friends still go there, the same friends that got me through my adolescent nightmare, and arguably my “bffs”. I still feel really close to it, even though now that I live in Chicago I'll probably only be there a couple times a year.
Now, Rich really likes the church he goes to here in Chicago. Presumably, he gets the feeling of community from there, which is kind of the point of church (community of believers, etc etc). I've been there several times, and it's okay, but I'm not a huge fan. I've also been to a few other churches down here, but none of them have really drawn me in. I wasn't really sure why until I had that talk with Rich, and now I think it's because I'm still so connected to my “home” church. I still feel like I'm part of that community, so I don't feel the need to pursue a “new” community to be a part of. I get some Christian support from people at school in IV, which is filling the gap enough for me to not really dive into a church here.
I kind of dread Sunday mornings now, because I kind of feel like a “bad Christian” for not desiring to go to church. I'd much rather spend my time alone with the Bible/God at home or the park instead of at a place where I don't feel like I belong, a place that I don't feel comfortable, a place isn't the building I spent the first 18 years of my life in. I feel so at peace in my church at home. I've spent so much time there, I just feel like it's where I belong. I have an enormous amount of good memories there, from church itself to youth group to just hanging out there with the best friends I've ever had.
So my question is, is it bad that I'm not actively searching for a new church? I know God calls us to be a part of the Christian community, I'm not disputing that. But what if I already feel like I'm secure in a Christian community that is based around a church 150 miles away? Maybe I'm just afraid of becoming a part of a new community. Maybe I'm scared that I'll leave my other friends behind if I get involved in a new place, and make new friends that are closer in proximity. Maybe I'm just scared of the unknown.
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