Bahahahaha, good new years resolution from OVER TWO YEARS AGO, Adam.

Maybe my new years resolution will be to post here more often.

I feel like I'm missing out on what life actually is, because I'm wasting my time doing "stuff", and waiting for my "real life" to start.

Hmph.

A longer post to come soon.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.

I mean, there are a couple things I want to do, like be in a band, but most of them are quite unlikely (I lack musical ability, etc etc).

But even beyond that, I don't even know if what I want to do is what I should be doing (that is, God's plan for me).

I was praying earlier, and I told God I wished He would just tell me what my purpose was because I was sick of not knowing. But as I was saying that, I realized something. Maybe God will let me know what my purpose is when I'm ready to fulfill that purpose. Maybe the confusion and the stumbling around in the dark is the journey to whatever destination He has in mind. Maybe the journey is as important as the destination, because if I could just teleport to the destination then I wouldn't have been shaped by the journey when I got there.

Bear with me for a moment, and think about Frodo from Lord of the Rings. If he could have just teleported to Mt. Doom to drop the ring in, he probably wouldn't have done it. Even in the story he got there and changed his mind, and didn't willingly destroy it. But throughout the entire story, his interactions with Gollum/Smeagol shaped the both of them. If Frodo or Sam had killed him, or gotten rid of him at any number of points during the story, then Frodo would've ended up keeping the ring and it wouldn't have been destroyed.

Ok, that was quite a dodgy analogy, but I think that if you think about it for a bit, you'll get what I'm trying to say here.

The revelation gave me some comfort, because now it's sort of as if this "purposless meandering" actually IS my purpose, in a weird sort of way.

Though on the other hand, God could be throwing up obvious signs all over the place, and I just don't see them / ignore them out of my selfish ambition and ignorance...

campcampcampcampcamping

I love:
1) Camping
2) My friends from home
3) Camping with my friends from home
pics: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2004214&l=8263f&id=1256760007




I've been thinking lately...
I think I'm going to drop Psychology as my 2nd major, and study abroad in Sweden...

I think I would like that.

Church, or something like it

(Wrote this August 24 - eek, long time ago. Also note: Rich is one of my roommates/friends. We went to HS together, too.)

So I finally have time to put some thoughts together – I'm riding the train back to Chicago after spending the weekend at home. I went home because my brother got a job at Google, and we had a going away party for him. He is moving out to San Jose later this week, which is incredibly strange. He is the typical super-nerd: really smart and motivated, but quite introverted and quiet in social settings. He is the oldest child (26 now), and he has been living at home the last 4 years since graduating college, with a good job (but not Google good!). My mom is basically freaking out, because now that he's moving to California, my sister is married and in Columbus, my other brother is living in Holland, and I'm living in Chicago, the house is basically going to be empty (a huge adjustment). I hope she and my dad handle everything okay, they're good strong Christians but “losing” your kids is probably pretty rough (it's rough on me, I miss them already).

But anyways, back to the thoughts that I said I'd write about like...2 weeks ago (I don't know exactly when, since I can't get online and check when I posted that). They have mostly to do with my lack of motivation to really get involved in a church here in Chicago. I was talking to Rich a while ago about our churches back home, and he said he really had no draw or commitment to that church. I, on the other hand, really care about my church at home. I still love going there, even though things have been rocky lately. A lot of my friends still go there, the same friends that got me through my adolescent nightmare, and arguably my “bffs”. I still feel really close to it, even though now that I live in Chicago I'll probably only be there a couple times a year.

Now, Rich really likes the church he goes to here in Chicago. Presumably, he gets the feeling of community from there, which is kind of the point of church (community of believers, etc etc). I've been there several times, and it's okay, but I'm not a huge fan. I've also been to a few other churches down here, but none of them have really drawn me in. I wasn't really sure why until I had that talk with Rich, and now I think it's because I'm still so connected to my “home” church. I still feel like I'm part of that community, so I don't feel the need to pursue a “new” community to be a part of. I get some Christian support from people at school in IV, which is filling the gap enough for me to not really dive into a church here.

I kind of dread Sunday mornings now, because I kind of feel like a “bad Christian” for not desiring to go to church. I'd much rather spend my time alone with the Bible/God at home or the park instead of at a place where I don't feel like I belong, a place that I don't feel comfortable, a place isn't the building I spent the first 18 years of my life in. I feel so at peace in my church at home. I've spent so much time there, I just feel like it's where I belong. I have an enormous amount of good memories there, from church itself to youth group to just hanging out there with the best friends I've ever had.

So my question is, is it bad that I'm not actively searching for a new church? I know God calls us to be a part of the Christian community, I'm not disputing that. But what if I already feel like I'm secure in a Christian community that is based around a church 150 miles away? Maybe I'm just afraid of becoming a part of a new community. Maybe I'm scared that I'll leave my other friends behind if I get involved in a new place, and make new friends that are closer in proximity. Maybe I'm just scared of the unknown.

I've always "known" the God is real, that He is there, like I "know" that 2+2=4.

I wish I knew God was real in they way someone with Synesthesia knows that 2+2=4.